Submarine Water Dog

(If you find yourself wondering what this cartoon would look like bigger, click the taxi’s license plate.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by My Short Career in Crime Fighting.

I’m posting this cartoon a few hours before it is officially published so I can’t say for sure, but I anticipate some questions on it. This seems to me to be one of those cartoons that some people will want to find a “deeper” meaning for. But there is none. If you turn a bus sign upside down, it says “sub” (sort of.) So it’s just one of those odd visual things that amuses me. For those of you keeping track of utterly trivial information in some sort of a stalker’s scrapbook, the street scene was drawn without reference from my memory of my old neighborhood in Brooklyn.

This ocean cartoon is one that I’m particularly proud of. It is simple, surreal, and leaves the reader wondering what the hell happened to this guy. You could go with several scenarios, from perfectly reasonable –– he was walking on a freshly mopped deck of a cruise ship, slipped, grabbed the sign and fell overboard –– to the preposterously bizarre –– the floor he was walking on is incredibly wet. I like the latter.

I got this idea when reading a suggestion by my young, collaborator buddy, Victor the Magnificent. His thought was a “wet floor” sign on a buoy out at sea. I liked it but this idea came to me as soon as I read his and I liked it even better. Sorry, Victor. One of your ideas was done as a Sunday comic and will appear in a few weeks, so chill out, awesome dude.

I’ve been to therapists off and on my entire adult life and really gotten a lot out of it. Most of them were very conversational and did not hesitate to suggest solutions to whatever problem that brought me there. But there have been those who said nothing and remained as silent and aloof as possible. It occurred to me during a visit with one such therapist that if all I needed was a silent confident with a sympathetic demeanor, I could save a lot of money by talking to my dog.

Legal disclaimer: Before using this suggestion for your own therapeutic treatment, consult a licensed therapist. (Hint: a good one will tell you, “sure, go ahead.”)

For those of you in the LA area, I’ll be doing a short comedy, musical set at World Fest tomorrow, Sunday, May 20. I’m scheduled to be on the main stage at 5:30pm. For a couple of hours before and a bit after, I’ll also be sitting at a table at one of the booths near the front gate, signing/selling books and posters and stuff. If you identify yourself as a Jazz Pickle, I’ll give you a free pack of trading cards! Click this paragraph for deets.

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Leave a comment | Posted in animals, appearances, daily Bizarros, psychology | Tagged , , , , , ,

Jazz Pickle Tiger

Bizarro is brought to you today by Lucky Gardener.

A few months ago, on a whim, I called my regular readers, “Bizarro Jazz Pickles.” People seemed to enjoy the moniker and it stuck, so I’ve used it numerous times since. Here now is a cartoon in which I use the term as an excuse to include a joke on the label. I trust my Jazz Pickles will enjoy it. If you do not currently know if you are a Jazz Pickle, here are the criteria: You have to be a regular reader and fan of my Bizarro comics. That’s all there is to it. Maybe you were already one and you didn’t know it. Some fans have been after me to design a Bizarro Jazz Pickle T-shirt but I have been remiss. It isn’t because I don’t care about your wardrobe, I most certainly do, but rather because I can’t think of anything wonderful enough. Anything obvious, like a pickle with sunglasses and a saxophone, just seems trite. So maybe one day I’ll have a flash of brilliance (not entirely out of the question, it almost happened once in 1972) and there will be a shirt for sale that will no doubt be snapped up by the dozens. As for this island cartoon, think of it the next time you’re trying to avoid running into your boss at the office, or your significant other at the local bath house. Things could always be worse. Stay crispy, Jazz Pickles!

And buy my new book, please.

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20 Comments | Posted in animals, daily Bizarros | Tagged , ,

Paint Lemon Sleep

Bizarro is brought to you today by Ape Auto.

Like many cartoonists, I enjoy dabbling in the various categories of cartoon cliches: one-palm-treed desert island, beggar with a sign, guy crawling through a desert, etc. This is one of those gags and was a collaboration with my good friend, Cliff Harris. The art is the key to conveying this idea; if it isn’t right, the minimalistic caption wouldn’t make any sense. I enjoyed drawing this and referenced the famous “Painted Desert” for the coloring. But like many of the earth’s most beautiful natural wonders, when reproduced by a human hand, it looks phoney and overdone. Oh well.

What can I tell you about this next cartoon? It is not about Russian literature nor does it involve a pirate or a cowboy or the state of Vermont. It is smaller than a planet and has no athletic abilities.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our final cartoon today has pajamas. They are being worn by a man who seems to think he is a super hero. He appears to be attempting to fight crime in an unorthodox manner. These elements are an effort to create a humorous situation.

 

More in a few days when other stuff gets done and I have time to blog again. Enjoy the vinegar, Jazz Pickles!

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10 Comments | Posted in daily Bizarros, super heroes | Tagged , , , , ,

Less Than a Dozen Cartoons

Bizarro is brought to you today by Eye Jinx.

Are you a person who enjoys things? I am too. Here’s something I hope you’ll enjoy: between five and seven cartoons.

The first one is about how Newton discovered gravity when an apple conked him on the noggin. The truth is, the whole story is a myth. Newton was not hit by an apple, but a grand piano falling from the fourth floor of those old, crumbly European buildings they have everywhere over there. The blow to his head caused him to go crazy and make up a bunch of sciency stuff about gravity and some other things. It was hilarious.

But not as funny as this cartoon of a woman who is going to wear a coat made of dead animals and her daughter who is going to wear a dead chicken on her head in protest. The “red paint” reference is to something that anti-fur protestors used to do back in the late 1900s when they saw someone wearing a fur coat. This only happened in civilized places where people don’t have to abuse animals to stay warm. I don’t think anyone ever threw red paint on an Eskimo.

 

If you want to talk about lots of dead human body parts being sewn together to make a new person, this would be a good time because here is a cartoon about Frankenstein. Where was he from? Lots of places, of course. Thanks to Cliff, my good buddy and wordsmith.

 

 

If you’re younger than an old person, you may not remember seeing those two antennae that TVs used to have that pretty much everyone called “rabbit ears.” They’ve been gone since the days that cable TV became ubiquitous, but when I was a child, we used to have to grab TV shows right out of the air with metal sticks. It was positively prehistoric.

 

 

 

Every time I do a cartoon that suggests that obesity is caused by a horrible diet and way too much of it, I get an email or two from someone who says that they eat a low-fat, vegan diet, exercise 18 hours a day and are still fat, so their problem is genetic. If you are a person like that, this cartoon is not for you. It’s for people who don’t exercise, eat fast food hamburgers, and wonder why they’re dead at 50.  I am confident that none of those people are reading this blog because dead people don’t read much.

Our last cartoon today is about the amazing acrobatic feats that the human eye can accomplish. All hail the eye –– window into the soul and sunroof to the nasal cavities.

I’ve enjoyed our little chat today. I hope that wherever you are, unicorns and leprechauns are dancing in the streets, liquid gold is flowing from your faucets, and super-sexy celebrities want to date you.

Ciao, Jazz Pickles!

 

Please “like” my FrontOfYourHeadBook page so I can convince my parents I have fans.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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18 Comments | Posted in animals, daily Bizarros, history, psychology | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Cavalcade of Comedy Carnage

(To see a much big version of these cartoons, click them why don’t you?)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Where Have I Been?

Good gravy, Jazz Pickles, it has been a long time since I posted on my blog. I’ve been running around the Non-East Coast on a small comedy tour and that stuff is time-consuming, brain-eating, and deadline-threatening. But I’m almost caught up on life so I’m back to posting. Here now are a jilliondyfive cartoons to get you caught up on everything that has published since I last posted. Whew!

If you care, the shows went well and it was most gratifying to commune in person with so many of you. All three of my California shows were sold out, which is what performers hope for. Not being sold out means that there are empty seats in the room from which it is virtually impossible to solicit a laugh. As a performer, my self esteem is integrally tied to my ability to gain the approval of strangers. When they laugh, I feel noticeably less suicidal instantly. When they don’t, I begin nervously fingering the cyanide buttons on my shirt. Thanks for keeping me alive, kids!

My live comedy shows are a combination of visuals projected on a big screen behind me (cartoons, photos, etc.), songs that I play and sing live, some stand-up comedy, and a little interaction with the audience. But most of the laughs in every show come from my comments on the images projected behind me. I mention this because at my show in Mill Valley, a big theater that seats around 300-or-so, the projector stopped getting along with my laptop computer about 10 minutes into a 90-minute show. Whoops. I’ve always known this would happen one day and it turns out that day was April 27th, 2012.

The first impression I had when the tech guy told me from the booth that it was hopeless was how similar the situation was to that recurring nightmare so many people have where they are onstage in their underwear or can’t remember their lines. I wasn’t wearing underwear, so I did what any performer would do, I panicked. Then I cried. Then I pooped my pants a little bit (wish I’d been wearing underwear), then I ad libbed the rest of the evening.

As it happens, I was better at this than I thought I’d be and the evening was saved. In fact, it might have been one of my funniest shows ever. If people weren’t expecting to see cartoons at my shows, I’d be tempted to leave the computer at home and do them all this way. I routinely made a joke out of how poorly the technical aspects were going and it went over so well that many audience members asked me after the show if it was intentional. Perhaps that’s an angle I should pursue in the future; a show that intentionally looks as though the computer is failing and I have to cope. People seem to enjoy watching others struggle on stage.

Overall, a very enjoyable tour and one that gave me more confidence for the future. If I can make people laugh without my cartoons behind me, I won’t sweat the technical aspects anymore. I’ll just roll with the punches as they come and mop up the blood later.

My fondest dream is to be doing this show more in the near future and I hope to see plenty of you Jazz Pickles there.

 

Please “like” my Facebook page and see stuff there.

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30 Comments | Posted in animals, appearances, comedy shows, environmental, history | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Cat Blood Sandwich

Bizarro is brought to you today by Pride.

In a couple hours I’m off on my mini comedy tour of northern California and Portland, Oregon. I hope it goes well, I hope I see some of you Jazz Pickles at the shows, I hope I find a bag of untraceable money that no one will ever know I have. That would be the perfect trip.

When I say “mini comedy tour,” I mean that the tour is mini, not the comedy. The comedy is HUGE. It barely fits in my checked luggage, in fact.

Someone asked me recently why those toothpicks with the celophane feathers are in sandwiches. This first cartoon is the image that resulted.

This political campaign cartoon seems just right as lots of candidates are on the road kissing babies these days. If Mitt Romney kisses your kid and then it comes down with a cold, feel free to sue him. I’ve heard he has a lot of money. This cartoon came from my known associate, Wayno. Here are some words that he put together to describe our collaboration.

If you’re lucky enough to have type O blood, you can use this pun next time you’re at the doctor or donating to a vampire food bank. O negative blood type is sometimes called “universal donor” because doctors working in Area 51 back in the 1950s used it to save that alien they captured from that crashed UFO. I can’t say for sure that that is true, but I bet it is.

Gotta pack now. I’ll try to blog in the coming days, but if I don’t, please don’t hate me. I live for the approval of strangers.

 

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24 Comments | Posted in animals, appearances, comedy shows, daily Bizarros, history, politics, wayno | Tagged , , , ,

Bizarro Live Comedy Show

I’m hoping to see some of you Bizarro Jazz Pickles at one of my comedy shows this weekend in San Francisco, Mill Valley, and Portland. I’ve been wondering what you look like!

These Bay Area shows will sell out so get your tix in advance!

San Francisco

Mill Valley

Portland

 

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1 Comment | Posted in appearances, comedy shows |

Girth Day Celebration

Bizarro is brought to you today by Girth Day.

I got a FrontOfYourHeadBook comment early this morning asking what this cartoon means. I suspected it might confuse a few people, especially those not familiar with environmental issues. This person was not a regular reader of Bizarro, and certainly not a Jazz Pickle by any stretch of the imagination because she also asked what the pie at the bottom left corner was about.

I confess I’ve been preachy in the past but I’ve tried to dramatically curb that impulse and am hoping this cartoon is more subtle. The fact that it confused some readers is a good indication that it is a step away from preachy, at least. The simple message here is that we humans demand all kinds of tasty conveniences without any thought of how we are going to pay for them. As most of you know, of course, we are paying for them with the health of our planet.

I’m certain that many people will still see this cartoon as preachy. Before I adopted a vegan diet in 2002, I would have said the same thing. Suggesting to anyone that they change the way they eat is like asking them to change religions. Most people find it threatening and become defensive. I was that guy for decades, so I know. But it isn’t actually as difficult as you might imagine.

The undeniable truth is that currently, raising animals for food is as destructive to the planet as all transportation combined. If you’re consuming meat, fish, dairy, etc., you’re undoing the good you do by recycling and driving your Prius several times over. I’m not judging, I’m just saying.

Incidentally, I researched the numbers I used in this cartoon and they represent the approximate number of human adults and children on Earth at the time I wrote this cartoon a few weeks ago. I’m sure there are lots more by now.

Brief summary of food choices and the environment.

More info on the destructive effects of animal agriculture.

 

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23 Comments | Posted in animals, daily Bizarros, environmental |

Nutty Mom Mob Mutt

Bizarro is brought to you today by Bottomless Legume With Strange Codpiece.

It’s been a rough week here at Bizarro International Headquarters but we’ll make it through somehow. Are any of you Jazz Pickles coming to my comedy shows next week? You have a wide assortment of choices, including Thursday’s show, Friday’s show, and Saturday’s show. I want to see you there so badly I can taste it. And it doesn’t taste good, I can tell you.

Speaking of tastes, I like the taste of peanuts. And I like this cartoon about Mr. Peanut, too. It makes me giggle like a ticklish baboon.

 

 

This next cartoon is by no means a self portrait, but the character was designed after my mother. In her day, she was quite a looker, but nowadays, she looks a lot like this guy here. It’s sad.

Please don’t tell her that I said that on this blog.

A friend of mine didn’t get this gag at first because he didn’t remember that the lead singer of Journey was Steve Perry. I admit that I’ve never been a fan of Journey, even in their heyday, and the recent revitalization of their popularity (presumably for the sake of nostalgia) is very distressing. When I hear a Journey song, especially “Don’t Stop Believing,” it gets stuck in my head for days. My head threatens to explode and I want to storm Steve Perry’s castle.

 

My final offering today is about a dog who wants to contact Pluto. But is it the planet or the funny Disney dog? I’ll let you be the judge. All great art is open to the viewer’s interpretation and if this were anything close to “great art,” the same would be true.

 

See you in a theater soon, JPs. Don’t be late!

 

Won’t you “like” my Facebook page so that I can convince myself that I actually exist? Do it here!

 

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21 Comments | Posted in animals, appearances, bizarro headquarters, comedy shows, daily Bizarros | Tagged , , , , ,

Feline Herp Loser Wrinkles

Bizarro is brought to you today by Runaway Wiener.

I got a question or two about about this cat/dog cartoon. One person wondered if the gag was that the woman is seeing a cat doctor. People who live with cats, however, will likely immediately understand that this is a depiction of a cat who is so pompous that he only sees his caregiver by appointment. Hahahahahahahahaha. (I’ve lived with many cats.)

 

I heard from another regular reader who didn’t understand this mime cartoon. If you are in this category, you are likely thinking too hard. The simple reasoning here is that a mime needs arms and legs to mime. Snakes do not possess these otherwise common appendages. Hahahahahaha. (I have never lived with snakes but I’ve seen pictures that support this assertion.)

 

I have not heard from anyone who does not get this cartoon. If you are that person, call me immediately at 202-456-1111 and I will endeavor to enlighten you.

 

 

 

 

 

When I drew this cartoon, I had no idea there actually is a FaceLiftBook. And apparently, it’s just what I said it is in this cartoon, which I assumed was fictional. I wish FaceLiftBook had something I wanted so I could ask for a freebie in exchange for the free advertising.

Are you going to any of my upcoming comedy shows? If the answer is “no,” change that answer!

San Francisco shows.    Mill Valley show.    Portland show.

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26 Comments | Posted in animals, comedy shows, daily Bizarros, psychology | Tagged , , , , , , ,