The Waiting Room

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Hello, Jazz Pickles. I hope you are enjoying the thing(s) and person(people) in your life on this day and will continue to do so for as many days as you have left.

In the meantime, we’re in “waiting mode” here at Rancho Bizarro. There is a team of super-genius-giant-brain folks working to get my old Bizarro website (this one with black borders) migrated to the new website (which I hope you will love) so we can switch over and go live with it. (Pronounce that bold word to rhyme with “dive,” not “give.”)

This migration process is why those of you who’ve signed up for email alerts from this blog have been getting a few strange emails in the last couple days alerting you to blog posts from years ago. Nobody knows why, exactly, so we’ve not been able to prevent it, but a percentage of all computer-related functions is voodoo, so whaddyagonnado?

Until the switchover is complete, anything I post on here won’t get migrated to the new site and will just disappear into forever, so I’m not going to post my weekly roundup until the new site is ready. We’re hoping it will be up and running (pronounce that bold word to rhyme with “sunning,” not “mooning”) tomorrow, which, as I write this, is scheduled to be Monday, March 26. (If you are from anywhere other than the U.S., transpose the word “March” with the number that follows it to decipher the date.)

Thanks for your patience. I hope to be posting the weekly cartoon roundup blog super soon!

 

Mistaken Email Alert This Morning

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Hey, Jazz Pickles!

We’re working today on getting the new site up and my old site accidentally sent out an email alerting you to a blog post from 2008. Sorry about that. Just ignore that email you got earlier today and hopefully it won’t happen again. Hope to have the new site up and spewing by Monday but keep your fingers crossed! Thanks!

Tall Tail Tales

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(To achieve and enjoy enbiggenation, click on any regenerative limb.) 

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Four Hairstyles of the Apocalypse.

This week’s Sunday cartoon is a fun little twist of expectation and I had a grand time drawing it. I’m a fan of lizards (though I do not have any as pets) particularly the prehistoric-seeming nature of them, so drawing them is always a treat. Recently, Olive Oyl (O2) and I were kayaking through some lagoons near a beach in Mexico and saw dozens of these big, orange iguanas with black striped tails hanging out in the trees. SO cool.

A quick word to my younger readers about this cartoon:

KIDS!  DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! By that, I mean do not open a beauty salon in your home without the proper permits from your local government; do not ask someone to “cut it short” without being specific about WHAT you want to be cut short; and do not let those giant blue and orange lumps on your face get out of control before seeing a physician. Also, do not operate a pair of scissors that are as tall as you are without adult supervision.

And now, the Week in Wayno…

I usually ask for my eggs “1970s Pimp Style”: comes with a big, purple, velvet hat, full-length velvet coat and some kick-ass platform shoes, MoFo. Once it arrives, feel free to address other diners who may be staring at you with, “Whose eggs YOU lookin’ at, bitch?”

As an avid motorcyclist, I look forward to a time when virtually all cars and trucks are self-driving, and ones that are not will have an official designation alerting other drivers of that fact. My preference is for big stickers on the front and back bumpers that say, “CAUTION: APE DRIVER”.

Creationists can, of course, opt for ones that say “CAUTION: UNIQUE AND PRECIOUS CREATION MADE IN GOD’S IMAGE THAT DRIVES 99% LIKE A CHIMP.”

Many American offspring today are coddled by their parents and allowed to remain virtual infants without a driver’s license or a job and to live with their parents well into their twenties, thirties, and sometimes beyond. As for me, as soon as I was out of college, my parents started charging me rent and shooting at me with a BB gun until I moved out. It forced me to grow up and make something of myself, as well as to learn to navigate the world with sight in only one eye.

Show me someone who thinks that Marijuana should still be a controlled substance and I’ll show you someone who badly needs to get stoned on a regular basis.

On another note, I was alarmed by how many nitwits came at me on social media with castigations like “Trump doesn’t drink” and “More fake news to discredit the president,” and the like. Considering that, among other high crimes and misdemeanors, the Cheeto Mussolini holds the record for the most demonstrable lies ever told by a sitting president––i.e.; in his first 10 months in office, he told 103 separate untruths, many of them repeatedly, while Obama told 18 over his entire eight-year tenure––how can you take his word that he doesn’t drink? And if this supposed “lie” upsets you, it seems likely that you think drinking is a bad thing and you would not want people to think the president drinks if he doesn’t. But lying, molesting women, supporting white supremacists and neo-Nazis is okay somehow? (I don’t have enough bandwidth to list all of Trump’s highly offensive offenses, so we’ll leave it at that.)

I do not require my doctors to wear one of those head-mirror things but I have personally worn a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer costume to my dental appointments so we can sing “We’re a Couple of Misfits” together.

Are multiple Big Foot creatures called “Big Foots” or “Big Feet”? “Sasquatches” or “Sasquati”? “Hallucinations” or the “Consequences of Hiking on Meth”? Wayno has some fun stuff to say about Bigfoot on his weekly blog post this week, and also a few links to some of my and his previous Big Foot cartoons.  We just love that giant lug and his comedy potential. (A link  to Wayno’s blog is below.)

The new batch of Jazz Pickle pins is in so nab some before they sell out. (Click “Bizarro Shop” at the top of that page to find them also sold individually.)  We also have some shirts, mugs, tote bags, and an educational poster about cat puke that you may want to share with your feline companion. 

Thanks for reading this far, Jazz Pickles. Until my next post, be happy, be smart, be nice, and resist ignorance and fascism.  And please help support our meager humor efforts by clicking the links below. 

Wayno: Weekly blogTwitterInstagramWaynoVision

Piraro: Bizarro shop (enamel pins, a Hello Shitty shirt and more!)  Bizarro tip jar Signed, numbered, limited edition prints and original cartoon art Piraro Instagram  Piraro Twitter Piraro coloring book

 

Dangerous Crops

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(To begin the embiggenation process, click the gimme cap in the cartoon below.)

Bizarro is brought to you today Trump Voodoo Doll.

There was a time when people were romantic about America’s “heartland,” as though it was where good, wholesome, moral, honest folks came from, as opposed to “big city folk”.  But to my mind these days, it seems to represent people who voted for and continue to support a racist White House that openly promises to take benefits away from poor children, the elderly, the disabled, the disadvantaged-in-general, while arresting innocent children who were born in the U.S. and throwing them out of the country because their parents came here out of desperation to make a better life for themselves and their children. (Don’t even try to tell me the immigrant issue is about jobs because there are no facts to back that bullshit up. And if you think it’s not about racism or jobs, it’s about the “rule of law,” let’s audit your taxes for the last ten years and see how law-abiding you are.)

If all of that isn’t enough to dissuade you from visiting The Heartland, consider that not one newspaper in Nebraska carries Bizarro, but all of them carry Marmaduke and Family Circus. There’s a reason they call these places “Flyover States.” Innumerable reasons, actually.

Disclaimer: If you are a decent, compassionate, open-minded person in The Heartland who thinks racism and bigotry have no place in our government, I’m not talking about you.

Disclaimer disclaimer: If you are a decent, compassionate, open-minded person in The Heartland who enjoys Bizarro but also really enjoys Marmaduke and Family Circus, and not in an ironic way, I might still be talking about you.

Hey! What’s my buddy, Wayno been cartooning about this week?…

The thing I like most about The Bible is that you can interpret it to mean anything you want. (Unless you’re what the rest of us call a “religious nut.”)  In this case, Wayno interprets the “serpent” to be a representative of Kellogg’s who is attempting to entice some friendly naked people into losing their souls while also promoting poor spelling.

All these years I’ve been avoiding snakes and it turns out toucans are the devil. And I guess that lump in the front of my throat is an “Adam’s Loop.”

Wayno writes about our week in cartoons every weekend, too, and you’ll find a link to that post at the end of this one. BUT… here’s a short, older post in which he describes the clever name he has given to the specific mechanism behind the Froot Loop joke above.

I hope he carries a really big towel to the gym to wipe off the machines when he’s done melting all over them. When he’s had a really good workout, he rewards himself with a slice of nose cake.

If you’ve not been to my mostly-new shop lately, please have a look. We sell products to help support our cartooning habits as newspapers continue to get smaller and fewer. Below is a poster I designed and illustrated specifically for your home, office, clubhouse, or bunker.

As a kid, I wasn’t particularly afraid of monsters under my bed but as an adult, I always check under my analyst’s couch before I lie down.

Lately, I’ve been indulging myself in what the Interwebs call, “Throwback Thursday.” Surprisingly, it does not involve pictures of fish that people have caught that are too small to eat––that’s called “Here’s a Picture of Me Torturing a Helpless Water Dweller Thursday”. Throwback Thursday is actually about stuff from the past, so below is a cartoon I did in 2003.

This is one of those comics that was based on my own experience during which I was trapped inside a small store in Kansas for 45 minutes while I tried to convince the other customers that the town was not closed, this was simply the back of a sign meant to be read from outside. “Then why ain’t it red?” was the reply.

This is what happens when entire states don’t carry Bizarro. I make mean jokes about them. Sometimes as I fly over them.

It took an embarrassingly long time but we are now finding out that women can do anything that men can do. Unfortunately, they still have to do it at a fraction of what men are paid to do the same job. (Especially white men.)

No, this does not mean we hate men or are ashamed to be men or white or want all white people, especially the men, to be rounded up and shot into outer space. We just support fairness no matter what color you are or what kind of plumbing you have. And no, America does NOT already have that kind of fairness.

In honor of women, Wayno and I are supporting a swell non-profit organization that helps educate girls and young women in technological fields, which are currently overwhelmingly dominated by men.  We recommend checking them out and possibly tossing a buck or two their way. Girls Who Code.

I prefer to participate in happy hour at home where the drinks are even cheaper and the atmosphere makes me a lot happier.  And yes, after the initial hour, I become all of those other things listed on the sign. Just don’t drop by my house unannounced after a certain time, that’s all I’m saying.

“Watson! We’ve invented something that will one day be used to take pictures of every plate of food we eat.” 

“Hmm. It’s hard to imagine anyone wanting to do that, but okay. Whatever.”

Even so, here we are a hundred-and-some years later with phones that take pictures, answer questions, promote fake news, rig elections in favor of our enemies and a thousand other things. And yet, most of the time, the reception on actual phone calls isn’t any better than Bell’s prototype. (sigh)

Until next week, my precious Jazz Pickles––be happy, be smart, be nice, and resist ignorance and fascism. And while we’re at it, our official Bizarro Jazz Pickle enamel pin is BACK IN STOCK after the initial batch sold out! Grab one now before it sells out again!

Wayno: Weekly blogTwitterInstagramWaynoVision

Piraro: Bizarro shop (enamel pins, a Hello Shitty shirt and more!)  Bizarro tip jar Signed, numbered, limited edition prints and original cartoon art Piraro Instagram  Piraro Twitter Piraro coloring book

Batmen

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(Just as with actual therapy, you can embiggenate this scene by clicking the shrink’s pipe.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Glamour of Hollywood.

Tonight is the 90th Acadamy Awards and this seems an appropriate cartoon for the occasion. Batman has been played by many actors over the years but here we are finally given a glimpse of the toll that how being inhabited by so many personalities has taken on him.

But at least his personalities behave more-or-less the same and are therefore more predictable. Most people with multiple personality disorder have to deal with vastly different types of personalities that pull them in drastically different directions: male, female, adult, child, honest, criminal, peaceful, violent, mensch, hell raiser, etc.  I learned all of this from a TV series that used to be on Showtime called United States of Tara, and TV wouldn’t lie.

Before we check out what Wayno was up to this week, here are a couple bits of hate mail I received this week that I thought you might find entertaining.

I posted the following cartoon on FB and Instagram on “Throwback Thursday,” which is one of those meaningless hashtags that gives people an excuse to spend more time on the Internet instead of living their actual lives.

It was a popular post by Bizarro standards and the vast majority of people understood what I was getting at and left positive responses. I got a quite a few comments like this one, however:

“You know depression is an actual mental disorder that doesn’t fucking show up from technology and doesn’t go away if you go back to nature or some shit but yeah just say this garbage. Antidepressants can be abused but for some people they’re the best method of treatment.”

My response: “I have been chronically depressed since I was 18 years old and spent over 19 years on antidepressants. Humor is one of the things that keeps people like me from jumping off a bridge. I’ve found that laughing at yourself is much more beneficial than crying victim.”

Not the perfect response, granted, but my point is that having a sense of humor about your problems goes a lot further than screaming that you’re a victim every time someone says or does something that doesn’t perfectly validate your worldview. Plus, the cartoon is not saying “technology” per se is the problem. It’s the unnatural mess we’ve made of the modern world that these explorers are exposing the jungle inhabitant to and that’s enough to depress anyone.

On a side note, researchers are finding that excessive time spent with electronic devices at the expense of human interaction decrease one’s sense of happiness. Researchers have also found that time spent in nature increases one’s serotonin. I have personally found these things to be true for me. So, yes, technology is part of the problem after all.

Another bit of hate mail came in from an old FB post of the following cartoon.

The comment I refer to was this: “By all means, let’s let them rape and behead us, and then make sure to thank them. Because we wouldn’t want to hassle them. For fucksake ”   (lack of punctuation is his)

My response: “You make a lot of sense. If you’ll let me know your ethnicity and your religious beliefs, I’ll be happy to persecute you based on crimes committed by people of a similar background. ‘For fucksake,’ of course.”

I don’t need to explain this to people capable of understanding it. As long as there are fear-based bigots in the world and folks like the Russians and Fox News Channel to feed them fake news about how we need big guns and authoritarian daddy figures to protect us, this problem will not go away.

Now let’s see what Wayno was up to this week…

Russians who are engaged in activities other than swaying American elections to favor the Kremlin are always funny.

By the way, Wayno assured me that this parking attendant is wearing woolen tights and a flannel dance belt because the weather in Moscow can turn a ballerino into a ballerina alarmingly quickly. On his blog post this week, he includes a rough sketch of this cartoon and some info about where he originally wanted to go with it but didn’t and why. A link to his blog is at the bottom of this post.

This is one of the very few situations in which you can pay a relative stranger to insert their finger into your rectum without breaking any laws. “He told me he was an internist, officer. Honest!”

Here’s a sketch for a prostate exam cartoon of mine that was too racy for newspapers so it was rejected for print. This is the first time it has ever been seen by the public!!

We submitted this cartoon many weeks ago, long before the latest school massacre in Florida, but it became an accidentally timely comic considering the heroic protests that teenagers all over America have been engaged in against the irrational and fearful proponents of nearly unregulated gun sales. Let’s call the cowards in the NRA what they are: scaredy cats with masculinity issues. And let’s call the politicians in their pockets what they are: greedy assholes who care more about power and money than keeping their countrymen safe. (Of course, that also perfectly describes the Cheeto in Chief so I don’t expect meaningful changes anytime soon.)

More importantly, why is the U.S. the only country where this routinely happens? Until we answer this question, even gun control won’t stop it.

I carry my own blood everywhere I go in my handy, portable, temperature-controlled blood bag. I call it my body.

If flies played teeny-tiny tennis on my food preparation surfaces, I might let them stay. But since they don’t, I just kill them. I don’t kill everything that touches my food preparation surfaces, but it’s better to ask first just to be on the safe side.

This is the second time in ten days that Waldo has appeared in Bizarro and on Wayno’s blog post this week he discusses the behind-the-scenes-professional-cartoonist insider info that explains how that happened. The link to his blog post for this week is below.

Thanks so much for joining us this week, Jazz Pickles! Please check out a few of the links below that help support our cartooning efforts. We at Rancho Bizarro will toast you with one of our hourly, ceremonial tequila shots.

Until next week––be happy, be smart, be nice, and resist ignorance and fascism.

Wayno: Weekly blogTwitterInstagramWaynoVision

Piraro: Bizarro shop (enamel pins, a Hello Shitty shirt and more!)  Bizarro tip jar Signed, numbered, limited edition prints and original cartoon art Piraro Instagram  Piraro Twitter Piraro coloring book

All Natural

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(To embiggenate, click on any foot or piece of footwear within any image.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by What’s In That Pipe, George?

It’s a fun day for Bizarro Jazz Pickles. Not only are there TEN Secret Symbols to find in today’s comic (click it to embiggenate it and begin your search!) but I’ve created a fun, new T-shirt design that I think those of you with a touch of social courage and a certain opinion of overly-used, overly-cute images will enjoy tremendously.

If it sells okay as a T-shirt, we’re going to make a lapel pin out of it.  (Here are the enamel pins I’m currently offering as of the date of this post. Go to the shop’s homepage to find them for sale individually.) Lots of folks have been asking for specific images of mine on enamel pins (most frequently the pie, the eyeball, and the green alien but one guy wanted a pin of his own gallbladder) and here’s the deal about that: With shirts and totes and mugs, I can use a print-on-demand service that doesn’t cost me anything in inventory because nothing gets made before it is ordered, and the company handles the shipping. With pins, I have to shell out the bucks to manufacture them and then mail each order myself or hire someone to mail them out. (My daughters, the K2, are handling that part for now.) So it’s a big risk and one that I can’t afford to take without some assurance they will sell. The bottom line is if the first four sell okay, we’ll add the pie, the eyeball, and the green alien in the next group. (We will likely never add that one guy’s gallbladder.) Stay tuned and share the link with your friends who might be interested in pins!

Now let’s see what Wayno was up to in the Kartoon Kingdom last week…

I like restaurants that treat adults like babies. I like them so much, in fact, that I won’t go to a restaurant that does not offer a plastic bib emblazoned with a picture of the exact thing I intend to order. If they don’t have them, I bring my own. I start out with a bib with a glass of water on it and move on from there.

Historical Alternative Fact: Vikings didn’t always just attack a village––burning, raping, and pillaging. Sometimes they’d read a Viking saga aloud through a bullhorn until the whole town fell asleep, and then quietly burn, rape, pillage and sneak off without waking anyone. ( I can relate because I once fell asleep in the first two minutes of America’s Got Talent and woke up feeling pillaged.)

This is very likely why Shakespeare’s Richard XXV closed after only one night. That, and the fact that characters playing close friends and family called him “King Dick” and the audience kept giggling.

Predictably, I got a complaint about this one from an organization of men who wear pinstriped suits and resent being associated with mobsters. I also got an avalanche of angry mail from Republican politicians who don’t like the word “bullets” being used for non-violent purposes.

On a related side note, I have so much to say about gun violence in the U.S. that I don’t feel I can even begin without this blog becoming a forty-page screed. Instead, I’ll just include this headline from the satirical newspaper The Onion, which I think says an enormous amount: “‘No Way To Prevent This’ Says Only Country Where This Regularly Happens.”

I successfully got rid of my head lice, it was the tiny furniture that was a pain to get untangled from my hair.

By the way, did you know that we have lice to thank for the words “lousy” and “nitpicking”? (This has been the educational portion of my post. We return now to juvenile chuckles and civil-war-inciting political commentary.)

Can’t help but wonder if he checked his gag reflex by shoving that rubber hammer thing down his throat. I check my gag reflex by turning on Fox and Friends or simply allowing it to cross my mind that Americans have turned their country over to an unprecedented gang of greedy, corrupt, lying cowards.

Thanks for coming along this far, Jazz Pickles! We adore your company.  Don’t miss Wayno’s (much more brief) blog this week. He adds some fun comments about the week’s cartoons as well as a bonus section at the end about music and design and some books he’s reading lately. We at Bizarro Enterprises (Rancho Bizarro in Mexico and Bizarro Studios North in Pittsburgh) always go the extra mile to seem to appear to be well educated in the liberal arts.) And please don’t miss my new shop as well as the other links below. It takes a village to keep a couple of cartoonists in business!

Wayno: Weekly blogTwitterInstagramWaynoVision

Piraro: Bizarro shop (where the enamel pins are)  Bizarro tip jar Signed, numbered, limited edition prints and original cartoon art Piraro Instagram  Twitter Piraro coloring book

 

Driven

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(Get into the whole embiggenation thing by clicking on the headlight of the red car.)

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by Actual Fortune Tellers.

I’ve taken Uber or Lyft a few dozen times and with one exception, have always had a positive experience. The exception was in LA and the guy driving our car seemed friendly enough to Olive Oyl and me but was prone to honking at other drivers, cussing them out under his breath, and weaving through traffic to cut people off that he thought had offended him. His driving was such a stereotypical example of road rage that it seemed like a scene from a sit-com, but scary. (I once watched 8 minutes of an episode of Two and a Half Men and found it equally scary, but in a different way. Getting Charlie Sheen as your Uber driver would perhaps be a perfect storm. )

When it was over, we were expected to rate the driver on our smartphone but hesitated to be truthful because we didn’t know if he would know we had given him a low rating and we knew that he was required to rate us as passengers, too. If we trashed him and he knew it, he could trash us. Which could make the next driver refuse to give us a ride.

This is one of the many dark sides of the Internet conveniences we have come to depend on. Not unlike Menken’s uncanny prediction of where America’s democracy would lead (click the blue link above or these blue words here for the quote I’m talking about) many have predicted that Internet technology will be our demise. I agree with that view in a variety of ways, from fake news swaying elections to the personal despair one feels from living most of one’s life inside a tiny, electronic screen. For myriad frightening ways in which technology could end up destroying us––some of which are already happening––watch a few episodes of the often brilliant TV series, Black Mirror on Netflix.

Hey! Let’s have a look at what Wayno did this week while I was hiding under the covers…


What this cartoon doesn’t mention, for good reason, is that Brady is hooked on all forms of social media for dogs including the casual sex site, “Humper,” where he goes by “LustyLab869”.  Brady reports that the downside of Humper is that you never know if you are communicating with a real dog or just some perverted human’s lower leg.

In Wayno’s (much more brief) blog this week, he mentions being contacted by a guy who actually runs a similar Internet site for dogs as the one in this cartoon. Of course there is.

When I was in high school in the early 1970s, I had a big afro, which some of my friends called a “full fro”. (Yes, this is a picture of me when I was about 16 years old.) Since it seems that virtually everything becomes a fashion trend at some point, I hope I live to see the mini-fro pictured here become a thing.

Is it profiling to judge somebody based on their profile photo? Why are so few profile photos taken in profile? Does it bother anyone else when an adult uses a photo of their child or grandchild as their own profile photo? Do they not realize that it is a species-wide trick of evolution that they and their family think their new baby is of any interest whatsoever?

I got an alarming number of questions about this clown cartoon. Some said things like,

“I could not figure out what this meant, nor could my husband nor any of the people at my job, some of whom are brain surgeons and astrophysicists, nor anyone in the state of Ohio. We’re big fans, please enlighten us!”

Okay, you did not actually ask every person at your job or in the state of Ohio about this. There is no shame in not understanding a cartoon and therefore no need to mitigate your confusion by pretending you’re in the same boat as a lot of fictitious people with impressive college degrees.

The meaning is simple: traditional Ringling Brothers Circus clowns are known for packing far-too-many of themselves into small cars and pouring out one at a time to the delight and amazement of the audience. Wayno is simply extending that tradition to clown baby carriages (and uteruses, by extension.) Perhaps so many people missed this because fewer people go to Ringling Brothers Circuses these days, which is a good thing because they have a long and well-documented history of abusing elephants and other animals. Modern-style circuses and clowns like those found in Cirque du Soleil, are much more entertaining and don’t use animals.

Dentists and health insurance in the U.S. are so expensive that it is amazing that anyone can still afford to have teeth. Is it a coincidence that those Americans who tend to have fewer teeth are also most likely to vote for the political party that keeps health care prohibitively expensive?  Just wondering if there’s a connection.

This is probably the easiest “where’s Waldo” puzzle you’ll ever see. I spotted him in less than one second. I think Wayno should have at least made the wood panels on the wall red and white stripes to make it a little harder.  I found out from some Internet comments this week that in other countries, this character goes by different names; presumably because “waldo” means something unappealing in some languages, like “nose hair” or whatever. In Norway, he is called “Willy” but in the U.S., “Where’s Willy” is a whole different game.

Thanks for following along this far, Jazz Pickles. I hope you have a dandy week and continue to encourage you to check out our links below, which help us make ends meet in a world where the Internet has made comics more popular than ever but less monetarily valuable. One way I’m getting by is by selling stuff. I have some new enamel pins that I think are really cool. Here’s the one I’ve been wearing this week.

Wayno: Weekly blogTwitterInstagramWaynoVision

Piraro: Bizarro shop (where the enamel pins are)  Bizarro tip jar Signed, numbered, limited edition prints and original cartoon art Piraro Instagram  Twitter Piraro coloring book

 

Hot Crackers

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(Embiggenation is within your reach with a simple click on the parrot’s cloaca.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Maybe If Your Business Is Pimping.

Olive Oyl and I are not big enough fans of technology to want one of those thingamajigs––whatever you call them––in our house, but we do like to appear to our friends to be “hip” and up-to-date, so I spray painted a tomato juice can black and put it on our coffee table. When our friends come over, I just casually say, “Alexa, take a nap for a few hours and don’t bother us while our visitors are here unless it’s an emergency.” So far no one is the wiser.

If you have a thingamajig, ask Alexa to order you a Jazz Pickle enamel pin pronto. Apart from being aesthetically very attractive, it also achieves two important objectives:

  1. Identifies you as a member of an elite group of highly intelligent, tasteful, and discerning individuals
  2. Looks awesome on your girl scout beret

There are also three other pins currently on offer and you can see them here. Or visit my entire new Bizarro Shop by starting on the home page. Once these pins are sold out, we’ll be replacing them with other designs, so don’t get left behind with a blank space on your sash or beret.

And now, the week in Wayno cartoons:

As a result of our growing understanding of genetics, there are big-brained scientists who are considering the distinct possibility that what we call “free will” is actually an illusion. That is to say that, given your exact genetic makeup, there is only one decision you can and will make under a given set of circumstances and you really don’t have a choice at all; you only think you do. If you throw out your personal beliefs for a moment and consider it objectively, it could absolutely be true and we’d never know it. And if it was true and we could prove it, it would dismantle everything we believe and think we know about religion, law, criminal behavior, personality, success, etc.

I enjoy thinking about this kind of crazy stuff.

They say that vertical stripes make you look thinner than horizontal stripes, which I guess is why prisoners in a jail look thinner than cattle in a corral. (Just think about it awhile before you ask what I meant by that.)

Pro tip for artists: If you ever want to draw a turd, use a #2 pencil. If you want to draw urine, use a six-pack of beer.

If Mom and Pop are devotees of Fox News Channel, they should have no trouble buying into this kid’s bullshit. Most Fox viewers seemed to have no trouble accepting it when they were told that the middle class and poor would be better off if rich people and corporations got a huge tax cut. I guess because rich people are so famous for sharing their good fortune with their employees and those of us who did not get a red carpet invitation to an expensive education and a lucrative career.

In the next scene, he tries to remember whether or not his apartment number is 2B. (Anybody get the reference to a famous 20th-century detective here? If not, Wayno has a link in his blog post today that explains it.)

I like the way that Wayno drew these guys’ eyes. I never trust a person whose irises don’t touch their eyelids on any side. It’s just creepy.

That’s the rundown for this week, Jazz Pickles. Thanks for following me this far through traffic; I hope I didn’t drive too fast. Don’t forget to avail yourself of Wayno’s blog this week and the other handy-dandy links below. Those of us at Rancho Bizarro (Mexico) and Bizarro Studios North (Pittsburgh) thank you from the basements of our hearts.

Wayno: Weekly blogTwitterInstagramWaynoVision

Piraro: Bizarro shop  Bizarro tip jar Signed, numbered, limited edition prints and original cartoon art Piraro Instagram  Twitter Piraro coloring book

A Mile In My Shoes

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(Make the below cartoon more embiggened by clicking the red helmet.)

Bizarro is brought to you by Striking Resemblances.

Remember when you were young and in a band and going to loud concerts and you ignored the advice of adults who warned you about protecting your hearing?  Well, as clueless and uncool as those decrepit geezers seemed, either they were correct or they cruelly cast a voodoo spell on you as punishment for ignoring their advice, and you can now only hear about 85% of the syllables people aim at you. Or at least, that’s what happened to me. It is for this reason that I stay away from skydiving and other activities during which a misunderstanding could result in my death.

Before I move on to discuss my partner, Wayno’s cartoons for the week, I’d like to tell you I finally have my new shop open! This one is SO much easier to navigate than the one I had up until this week and I also introduced some super spiffy new items like the stuff I’m showing you below. For one thing, enamel pins that no Jazz Pickle should be without. Below are the first four we are offering and there will be more designs later (unless nobody buys these.) Go to the new shop now. (But come right back and finish reading this post!)

And here’s a shot of the Bizarro Bunny pin on a jean jacket so you can see how big it is. (This is a normal-sized jean jacket, not some tiny jean jacket for a Barbie doll nor some giant, Claus Oldenburg sculpture of a jean jacket.)

Another new product is the infamous cat puke poster from the background of one of my Bizarro cartoons. Comes in two sizes and both are equally fun to have in your home or box under the overpass. Click on it to see all the funny things. Go to the cat puke poster page now.  (But come right back and finish reading this post!)

Now, back to cartoons.

I can endure a lot of things from someone I’m living with but not Crocs. You have to draw the line somewhere, people.

For you accordion players, in Wayno’s blog this week, he links to a very funny older cartoon of his in which he also trashes your beloved instrument, and also to a very groovy YouTube video of his band, which does not include an accordion. That’s him on harmonica and vocals, ladies and gentlemen! Give the vid a “like”! (There’s a link to Wayno’s blog at end of this post.)

I got a more than a few emails and comments from people who said they’d researched it and could not find anything notable about Spring Break in Tampa in 1997. Come on, folks. This isn’t about a specific event or place, it’s just two guys discussing a random Spring Break that they remember being even better than heaven.

And I got a couple of comments and emails asking what this cartoon means, too. It’s just a surreal look at the typical info sign at a shopping mall or amusement park, but in this guy’s case, he’s viewing himself on the sign while a larger version of himself is viewing him viewing the sign, and probably an even larger version of himself is viewing himself viewing himself viewing himself on the sign. Is that so difficult to understand? This feature is called Bizarro, after all, so I would think a little surrealism would be acceptable.

You all know what they say about judges with giant gavel fetishes.

Having lived in Mexico for over a year now, I consider myself something of an amateur expert on Chihuahuas and in my opinion, they yap too much. I love the look of them, however, (reminiscent of some kind of sci-fi, comic book rat with a super large brain and X-ray vision) and would happily have one in my home if it could be quiet.

Jack-o-lantern scientists are still in the early stages of experimentation with I.Q. manipulation, but preliminary results are very encouraging. Of course, it would help if they could study one longer than a week without it shriveling.

That’s the rabbit hole for this week, Jazz Pickles, thanks for following me down it. Please do not fail to drop by my new shop and let me know what you think. I’ll be adding products soon so if you have an idea of what you’d like to see, let us know that, too. By the way, “us” refers to Olive Oyl (O2), my adult daughters, Krapuzar and Krelspeth (K2) who help us with technology and online stuff, and me. That’s the whole operation here at Rancho Bizarro and we all really appreciate your support!

Wayno: Weekly blogTwitterInstagramWaynoVision

Piraro: Bizarro shop  Bizarro tip jar Signed, numbered, limited edition prints and original cartoon art Piraro Instagram  Twitter Piraro coloring book

Smell Test

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(Make an embiggenated version by clicking any Egyptian hieroglyph.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Strangers in Disguises.

Regular readers of my Bizarro blog are familiar with a guy whom I call “Cliff Harris the King of Wordplay.” Wordplay and puns are the easiest and most common kind of humor and cartoonists have varying degrees of tolerance for the category. Some will use any pun, no matter how predictable or lame, some, as a matter of principle, won’t use any pun, no matter how fresh. For me, it’s all about surprise; if a pun or a bit of wordplay surprises me and I chuckle, I’ll use it. This one made me chuckle a lot when Cliff suggested it and it still does.

Cliff’s original idea was to stage this in ancient Greece with some kind of dog that looked like an obvious god from Greek myths, but it occurred to me that Egypt’s animal gods were more suitable for this joke, and “Anubis” seemed the perfect candidate. There’s also a good deal of fun to be had in the hieroglyphs on the wall, so click the image for an embiggenated view and have fun with the secret symbols, too, while you’re at it. As one can tell from the small number above my signature, there are ten to be found in this picture, and that’s how many you’ll find unless I miscounted, which I sometimes do because life is too short to spend counting things over and over to make sure you are accurate. (This practice will also keep others from asking you to do their taxes.)

Now let’s review what my partner, Wayno did this week while I wasn’t looking.

We begin with a fun little take on an Old Testament story about knocking down the walls of an enemy city by blowing horns. I can’t vouch for the veracity of every story in the OT, but I can say from my experiences living in Mexico that if “musical” noise at high volume could knock down walls, there would not be a building still standing in this country.

This is perhaps my favorite cartoon of Wayno’s this week. Something about the incredibly creepy look on the tomato’s face as he attempts to beckon children to play with him is hilarious. It reminds me a little of the signs one sometimes sees outside of American BBQ joints that feature cartoon pigs beckoning you to butcher and eat them. Even as a kid I thought it was a little sick.

On Wayno’s weekly blog, which you should check out when you are finished here, he also shows this cartoon in black and white because it is even creepier. Don’t miss Wayno’s blog link at the end of this post.

And for pickup truck owners, he will paint an image of Betty Boop pissing on the logo of a competing truck company. (Wayno made a similar comment about this cartoon over on his blog but we wrote them independently and they’re both funny so we kept them.)

As predicted, I got one complaint from someone who thought this cartoon would traumatize children. I often wonder if people like that have ever met an actual child of normal intelligence.

This is one of those gags that takes a few beats and a second look to get. As Wayno mentions on his blog today, if you’re having trouble getting this one, listen for music as the clown on the right turns the crank.

A number of Wayno’s friends and more devoted followers have noted that Wayno is in a band with two other dudes and that their posters often look a bit like the one in this cartoon. Most of the venues his band has played do not allow dogs on the premises even though a few of them possess a smell that dogs would not find unattractive. If you’d like to follow Wayno’s band, drop by here.

One last bit of art fun: For the past week, Olive Oyl and I have been hiding out on a remote beach in Mexico. It’s not my first vacation in 33 years, but it is the first one without the specter of endless cartoon deadlines hanging over my head. It’s wonderful.

I left the oil painting I’ve been working on at home (here is a recent shot of the right half of it “in progress,” which means IT IS NOT FINISHED)

but I brought a bunch of watercolors so I’m still painting daily. Here’s a fun one I completed a couple of days ago.

“Luchador in Bloom” watercolor, 7″x10″. When I moved to Mexico, I decided I would sign any fine art that I completed here “Diego Piraro” in honor of Rivera and Kahlo and this is the first to be signed that way.  I’m having an art show in Mexico in October and this one will likely be for sale. I intend to do more small, surreal luchador paintings, and I will eventually offer some of them for sale as prints, as well as the original art. Stay tuned.

Thanks for reading this far, Jazz Pickles. Have a great week and check out our various links below. Until next week, be smart, be happy, be nice, and fight ignorance and fascism.

Wayno: Weekly blogTwitterInstagramWaynoVision

Piraro: My coloring bookMy tip jarMy storeSigned, numbered, limited edition prints and original cartoon artMy Instagram My Twitter